Cackling Library Hens

2006-06-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

Break

The students have taken their last final and the library books have all been returned (yeah right). Finally, the librarians have some peace and quiet for a brief interlude.

A library informant told us yesterday that there is a rumor that the librarians are not to be messed with. Students know that when they come to the library, no crap will be tolerated. It’s as if there is a sign that says: “No Fun Allowed.” When we heard this, we all laughed with glee! We broke the students’ spirit!

To be perfectly honest, I don’t give a damn if students play games online, chat, or check the most recent headlines. I only care that the place not be a wild zoo with cell phones ringing, people sitting on tables, or having loud raucous conversations.

Oddly enough I get this power trip, which is really out of character for me. When I hear students being loud, I’ll simply walk over and start straightening chairs or something like that. They shut right up. Amazing. I also recommend making eye contact with them. If they keep talking, just stare them down. You would think it wouldn’t faze them, but once that reputation is established, you just work it!

- Hen 1

2006-06-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

Painting

If I had my way, the library would be a nice soft peach hue. It would relax the students, I could look at a nice color and it would match my bedroom sheets.

The way things are done around here; one doesn’t expect much planning or thought to go into an event such as this. Originally, moving the shelving from the walls didn’t seem like such a big deal. But let’s consider the books on the shelves; they make everything much heavier and harder to move.

Today, two days from painting day, our facilities manager realizes there’s no way to move the shelving, unless you get a forklift. The solution: paint around the shelving…hopefully no one will notice the line where the old paint and new paint starts.

We’re going to half a half-assed paint job. Not only that, but we’re expecting new furniture within the next week and we’re going to rearrange the furniture anyway. Facilities solution: they’ll touch it up when the new furniture gets in. My solution: fire the facilities manager and get someone who knows how to plan.

Did I mention the elevator is also out of service? Apparently the local governing body that inspects for elevator safety shut us down. That’s right folks; they shut down our elevator because it WAS NOT safe. I’ve been riding up and down in the rickety thing with AV equipment and at any moment I could have plummeted to my death and be pinned underneath a huge TV and cart. I think OSHA would be very interested to hear about my working conditions…

- Hen 2

2006-05-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

Missing Pen

I was sitting in the office today and a student knocked on the door. He looked a bit lost when he asked: “Have you seen my pen? I left it by one of the computers last week.” I said, “Its not likely if you left it over a week ago; was it expensive?” “No” he said, “It was white and I just liked using it.”

Again, to clarify I was hearing properly, I asked: “Was it expensive or worth something?” He said “no” and said “that’s okay; I just liked that pen and wanted to see if you had it.” So he walked away and that was it.

Um, okay. Here I was thinking that an expensive Mont Blanc pen was possibly stolen or still in the library. Nope, this probably was a plain ole Bic pen with a fine point.

- Hen 1

2006-05-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

Undeserving

Why does everyone feel they are special? Why should I make exception to rules just for them? Why should I accommodate someone? Unless I’m mistaken, I was under the impression that academia meant red tape. The more red tape and the more hoops to jump through, the better you were doing your job.

Now I’m not talking about providing reference assistance to students or anything library related here. I believe I should jump through hoops for people who want to use the library for research and use librarians as resources. Bring it on!

What I’m talking about is my glorified photography stint as ID Card-Picture taker. First of all, we have signs posted, e-mails have been sent and I’ve spoken to tons of people about the dates and times for taking IDs. We aren’t a big operation here so taking pictures at anyone’s whim is not top priority.

So why do so many Joe Schmo professors come in wanting their ID’s taken when it’s not the scheduled time? I mean we’re talking about 1.5 hours earlier than the scheduled time. Even as I explain we have make-up dates for photos they insist they won’t be here or they need to do it now. What pissed me off was that the most recent beauty, Returning Prof, had to mention that he had a meeting with the top administrator now and needed his picture taken. Since he used his trump card, I had no choice but to do their photo, lest administration hear he was refused.

I despise people who feel it necessary to name drop, threaten, or use other slimy tactics to get what they want. GRRRRrrrrrr.

- Hen 3

2006-05-11T13:26:00.000-07:00

Beauty School

I understand that sometimes the library isn’t the most exciting place for a student worker. But it is inexcusable to polish one’s nails while sitting at any service desk. Rooster walked in the other day and said, “I think Flirty Chick is polishing her nails.” I go to investigate and sure enough there was a bottle of polish sitting on the desk.

After I told Flirty Chick that this behavior was unacceptable, she said, “okay I won’t do it.” Since she has an attitude problem, I took a peek back and saw her complaining to some of her worker buddies. Complain all you want BITCH. Let’s consider the following: If we don’t allow students to polish their nails in the library, what makes you think its okay to polish yours?

Answers to last Post

Since no one bothered to respond to the last posting and play our little game, I am not revealing the answer to the mystery vendor. Quick recap: Southern vendor that has a sexy British woman while you wait for customer service. Last chance to answer!

- Hen 3

2006-05-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

Faux Accent

There’s a library vendor located in the South that has a very unusual welcome message when you call. You would expect a nice southern drawl like, “Y’all pick out some nice library supplies here.” Instead, a very sultry British woman says “Thank you for calling _______, if you want customer service…” I almost expect the woman to say, “For sexual fantasies, press one... “

Can you guess which vendor this is? Answers will be revealed at the next post.

- Hen 4

2006-05-04T11:56:00.000-07:00

Keeping busy

The key to happiness at any job is being busy and being caught up in your work. Yesterday I was in the foulest of moods because I had absolutely nothing to do. Sure I answered stupid questions at the reference desk and grunted, “No stapler, use paper clips,” but I didn’t use my brain once. These are the times when boredom is your undoing.

So I lost my sanity yesterday and consistently growled at Rooster who is probably seeking my replacement as I post this. I would imagine grunting that “I hate this job,” is not good for one’s job security.

Nevertheless I’m having a good day today since I actually helped some people today and I received a request to lecture to a class. Presenting to a class always interests me, especially when it’s a topic I have to research first. In this case I’m searching the Census and getting into marketing and finding demographics. Who would have thought a little research could cheer me up so much?

As much as I enjoy goofing off at times, I really would like to do something meaningful and not just surf the Web. There are only so many library blogs and New York Times articles to read. I suppose you could rationalize that I am very well informed which is a necessary part of my job. Yeah --If you believe that one, I can tell you another.

- Hen 3

2006-05-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

Put Your Head On My Shoulder

I happen to sit-on on quite a few committees and I had the opportunity to listen to our faculty talk about classroom management. At first, it went on with general tips on how to manage students with behavioral issues. The dean, A Pompous Ass, explained his method of allowing three strikes for students and the benefits of taking the student aside and speaking to them one-on-one.

Pompous Ass explains that once you get a student alone, they’re a different kid entirely. After a few picture-perfect examples that faculty members shared with the rest of us, it seemed that this technique was a good idea.

Finally, after all the positive feedback, some faculty members decided to speak up about their problem students. One instructor asks, “What do you do with students that do annoying stuff?” So Pompous Ass asks for some examples to clarify. So the instructor said this student asks, “How do you handle a student that says “Miss, are you going to bake me some cookies? Miss, can I put my head in your lap?”

After this was stated, everyone was appalled. How can anyone let this behavior happen in their classroom? Pompous Ass says “I still think my method will work, get the student alone, close the door, and talk one-on-one. The rest of us are looking at him like he’s grown another head. Close the door with a potential sexual predator? Obviously Pompous Ass is thinking with his ass.

Nevertheless, this makes me feel better for all the classes I’ve had to lecture in and that I survived unharmed. It also makes me wonder how we have any faculty remaining.

- Hen 1

2006-04-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

Spring is in the air…

And what does that mean to you? Budding flowers, birds and bees, and SEX! That’s right, bring on the sex! Well you see…some students were so full of Spring Fever that that they just forgot themselves and got caught in a very uncompromising position in one of our classrooms.

Apparently the Absent Minded Professor (ABM) happened to stroll into one of the unused classrooms and caught them with their pants down, literally. Since ABM is off his rocker, he failed to get much attention from the proper authorities when he tried to tell them two students were “going at it.” I can only imagine the trauma that ABM experienced since it was our very own resident Library Stalker that was guilty of committing the crime.

If you recall, Stalker had given us a scare regarding one of our library chicks a while back. On a positive note, I am so thankful that he did not attempt to use the library as his rendezvous with desire!

As for the ABM, his story was only believed when someone in administration heard some awfully funny noises coming from the unused classroom. In fact, that classroom has seen more “use” than ever before.

- Hen 4

2006-04-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

Ready for Action

It is our library’s policy that students must show their student ID before they can enter the library; I believe this is a common practice in most academic libraries. It is of course to demonstrate that we have some sort of security within the library and to keep out all those non-students (because they all want to come to our library). As for our security, I know that we don’t have any since I’m the one asking those students to show their ID’s.

Today as I was harassing, ahem, asking Gigolo to show his ID, he was annoyed because he had to dig into his fat wallet. Apparently his wallet isn’t full of cash, but of condoms. He inadvertently pulled out one of his Trojans during his search for his ID. [Side note: he isn’t named Gigolo for nothing.] I think I was more embarrassed than he was when I saw that pathetic and crushed condom. It looks like this prevention method would ultimately fail if it was ever used.

- Hen 2

2006-04-17T11:53:00.000-07:00

Got a Pulse?

After a hard weekend of Easter celebrations, our students had to drag themselves back to school for another challenging round of classes and learning. Those that managed to find the library (through half-open eyes), appeared to be the living dead with zombie stares and drool coming out of their slackened jaws.

“Do you have any comfortable couches for us to lie on?” said one “funny” student. Ummm No, there will be no ZZzzzz’s caught in the library. Nevertheless, more zombies slowly shuffled in and the place was as quiet as a grave. This certainly was a pleasant return back.

- Hen 3

2006-04-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

No, Means No

Before the weekend started, a student knocked politely on my office and asked if there were any library positions available in the library. I apologized and said there weren’t any positions available for student workers or for regular employees. Apparently, “No,” was not the answer he wanted to hear.

In response, the Persistent Student went on to say he was going to graduate soon and was an honors student and he noticed how busy it gets in the morning and how I answer all the questions quickly and efficiently. I thanked him and he continued to lay it on thick and said he wanted to work in the library because it was quiet and convenient and he wanted someplace to work while he continued his studies.

Yet again, I explained we didn’t have positions, but perhaps he could visit the career center to find what else is available or perhaps a paid or unpaid internship in the area. He said he went already and he didn’t really like what was out there, and that those offices were too busy. He said, again, he really wanted to work in this library. At this point, it was obvious to me that he didn’t believe me when I said there aren’t any positions available. Finally, after going around in circles for at least 10 minutes, I apologized and said we have nothing for you, try the career center or look at an online jobsite.

He didn’t get the hint because he came back later in the week while we had an IT person fixing one of the computers. Persistent Student asked “hey, do you work here?” I happened to overhear and say, NO, he doesn’t work in the library (SO GET LOST KID).

Geez, I never heard of anyone so desperate to work… I have a feeling our student workers have been sharing with their friends how little work they actually do. Who else will have I have to beat off?

- Hen 1

2006-04-13T11:51:00.000-07:00

Inbred Institution

It’s amazing how so many people that are related to one another, actually work for the College. What’s even more of a coincidence are their positions. They are ALL so qualified and hard working that they ALL hold key positions in institution. Wow! Sounds like a family of really hard workers who are dedicated to their jobs!

Yet one must tread very carefully around this nepotistic community. There are spies everywhere and who knows where one may just POP UP! You thought political views were taboo at the workplace? Well as long as you have the RIGHT view point, you’re in with the gang.

In the library we have to be a little bit careful not to put out anything too LLLL….LL…liberal. There, I said it. Although I pride myself on sneaking in some rather daring content while doing large book orders. Okay, it’s not daring but certainly notable, even though some may not agree. Yes, I think of devious ways to infiltrate the hard conservative shell and slowly it will start working. Maybe not next week, maybe not next year….but it will start working, oh yes…

- Hen 4

2006-04-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

Small Talk

On the topic of a past job...

Jesus Boy: So how did you like working there?

Hen 3: It was a job.

Jesus Boy: I guess the whole point is to find a job that you really want to do everyday and doesn't feel like work.

Hen 3: Good luck with that.

2006-04-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

Mutiny in the Library

Our hints for the student workers to get lost have hit a raw nerve. Cutting back on their hours has really left them pissed off. We're not awful managers, really. Actually, if we were better managers we probably would have these kids trained so well that they would form a queue every time we said "Boo." But honestly now, how many academic libraries have student workers that are perfect little angels?

To date, I've been confronted by two angry chicks. These two "darlings," Sporty Chick and Flirty Chick are notorious for slacking off, changing their own hours at their whim, chatting/flirting with friends and constantly getting the most basic of instructions botched up. What can I say? It just so happens that their schedules were the least flexible and I had to cut back.

Needless to say, the two chicks tag-teamed and confronted me at the same time. As their supervisor, I can only make nice nice and say if they weren't happy to work elsewhere. But what surprised me the most is that they would backstab the newest chick that really is not at fault.

The rest of the chicks are content since their schedules are only mildly affected by the cutback in hours. I confess it just so happens that our best workers got to keep most their hours.

Still, the winds seem to be picking up and I feel a storm brewing. I'm waiting for a huge rush of chicks and to be torn apart piece by piece. Then again, our chicks are sneaky so I wouldn't put poison past them. I better keep an eye out for my water bottle.

- Hen 1

2006-04-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

Shelter for the Chicks

If you want a job in the library, you're hired! We're looking for a ridiculous amount of student workers to sit around all day, surf the web, eat chips, and chat with friends. In fact, the only requirement we have is that you have a pulse. If this sounds like you, then step right up! You're hired!

This semester, we have a surplus of student workers due to a series of misfortunate events. I dare not rehash them, as I pity anyone who as to listen. But....if you recall, we had Library Stalker making a muck of things and we were worried for the safety of our little chicks. That's passed and now we're stuck with a whole flock.

Here are a few incentives to get some of them to fly off:

1) Cut-back in hours
2) Offering other glamorous positions throughout the college
3) Forced seating assignments
4) Actually having to work!!

Does anyone have any other suggestions? They would be most welcome.

- Hen 1

2006-03-31T07:02:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Pummelhorse, I'd Like to Get Down Now

Well, we have been on a partial break and all is quiet -- too quiet -- on the library front. Sure we enjoy time to actually work on things that are important to us but we do miss the anecdotal fruits our students' bear. I am sure we will be wishing for the quiet next week.

The library has been so quiet and is so far removed from the rest of the college that pretty much anyone could walk in and kill us and it would probably be a couple of days before anyone realized. It is especially eerie when the power goes out which happens from time to time. Seeing as our offices are enclosed in glass running to hide and save ourselves is simply not an option...great design folks.

We are sorry for not posting more regularly but without our student fodder we are really not that interesting a bunch. Okay, we are, but you know what they say..."What happens in the library...". But do stay tuned because things will be picking up next week and we will try to get on a more regular cycle.

2006-03-27T08:12:00.000-08:00

Back from CIL

This year I had the privilege of attending one conference of my choice. Yes, the perks of academia are working in my favor! I got back this weekend after a weeks worth of information explosion and inspiration. The biggest crowd pleaser was the Wiki's. All the movers and shakers have a wiki these days! This explains a lot since I don't have one; that will change shortly.

I happened to travel to DC with my boyfriend due to a coincidence that we both had work related conferences to attend. Now what are the odds of that happening? hmmmm. When we first arrived, I would point out all the librarians that arrived early. "Spotting one at 3 O 'clock and so forth. As much as I hate to say it, most of us in this field are really stereotyped for a reason. I admit it, I have the glasses and sensible shoes but I DO NOT wear a bun or god awful dowdy clothing. No sense in looking like a slob, have some pride I say!

On that note, there weren't too many offenders since the word is getting out that we need to update our style along with technology. As for CIL, I can honestly say I really enjoyed the presentations and I learned so much. I just wish that I felt as inspired at work today.

When I got in today, the building was freezing, and still is. Apparently, now that it's officially spring, the heat is officially off. Nevertheless, I do have a nice scarf and jacket to keep me warm. But what really pissed me off were the boxes left in my office. Some individuals decided to take advantage of my absence and decided to dump boxes of shit. I just love shit in my office. My office is so big that I have this huge desk, yeah, about the size of a podium. You see, I have a small desk because there's no room in here! We will have to work that out later when Rooster see's it.

There's so much more to tell about CIL...there were so many rowdy librarians. The only evening session was on Dead Technology and we had cat calls coming from one drunken librarian and several hoots and hollering from the audience. The presenters were also wild and one amusing fellow kept saying F*ck! Good times.

- Hen 2

2006-03-17T10:51:00.002-08:00

Librarians Never Forget

One of our old trouble makers came in to ask us a favor. Seems she lost her ID and has just graduated. The thing is she wants to have a student ID for all of the perks that come with it (health insurance, discounts, etc.). Perhaps if she was nicer to us in the past, we could have done something for her. But calling me, a BITCH, on the top of her lungs is not going to be forgotten so easily.

I remember that day fondly, my first real altercation with a student while enforcing the student ID requirement. It's very common in most colleges and universities, so to complain and call me a bitch in front of witnesses, is not acceptable. She got disciplined and learned her lesson, maybe. Nevertheless, whenever I've had the fortune to see her in the hallway, she looks away first.

Well it certainly is too bad that our system was down today and that she's likely to have been removed from it. Darn shame. I guess someone is going to have to pay for insurance at the higher level. If only she weren't such an evil bitch herself - things could have been different.

- Hen 1

2006-03-09T10:23:00.000-08:00

Sound Off

Apologies all around for the lack of postings in the past week. We've actually been busy in the library. As for everyone else, shame on you! We've been feeling down about the lack of comments on our blog and it's about time everyone spoke up and said hello! Oh, and thank you for the two people that posted awhile back. Let's hear a few comments from the rest of the peanut gallery!

While we lazy on postings, we were actually helping students with practice interviews. The students set up their appointments and we grade them on their overall performance. My students mostly giggled a little bit or were slightly uncomfortable (squirm kid, squirm), but for the most part did pretty well. Although, I have no doubt that they will bomb their first interview; only then do you learn what not to do.

We've also had some vendor issues lately, my favorite topic. Apparently there is this flaw (bug) in our library system software and they've known about it for some time. What I can't understand is why they try to place the blame on us and play dumb. If they looked into our complaints and did a little research, they would have immediately put two and two together. Meanwhile, I've been trying to think of any reason why a function won't work and how to fix it. This basically means that I wasted a week of my time when I could have been surfing the Internet. What nerve.

- Hen 4

2006-03-03T11:58:00.000-08:00

Gotta Go

22, that's the number of times I have visited the bathroom today. Not to be crass, but you would think I drank 4 gallons of water today. I was sitting at the reference desk, but it was hard to sit still for more than 20 minutes. I think someone slipped me a water pill while I wasn’t looking.

Here are a few things I noticed while I visited the restroom:
1) There's a loud clanging noise that comes on with the heating system.
2) The first sink constantly drips.
3) People are not neat and do not wipe the seat.
4) Person X once flushed their watch down a toilet (overheard conversation).
5) Its quite nippy in there.
6) The men's bathroom smelled from the outside, glad I didn't have to go in there!

- Hen 3

2006-02-28T12:52:00.000-08:00

Unbalanced

There's something in the air that just doesn't bode well. Maybe it's the putrid odor that is permeating the air? We tend to catch a whiff of raw sewage now and then. But, the library has been so quiet lately that you know it's just the calm before the storm. Even the resentful student workers have been uncharacteristically quiet and cooperative.

The workers aren't the only ones that are a bit off. The hens have been cackling less but we've been at each others throats. You know what happens when you put together a bunch of hens that are grumpy? It's not pretty. Not to mention Rooster has been out of character lately due to a new medication that sedates. Things tend to get a little rough here and that's what it came down to: drugs or finding a new job. Only kidding, it's not one of those drugs.

- Hen 1

2006-02-24T12:04:00.000-08:00

Children of the Corn

Our student workers have been acting a bit strange lately; I fear they may be possessed by some evil force. We are barricaded in our offices and they are pounding on the door with bloodlust in their eyes! HELP! HELP!

Despite the tongue lashing our wonderful student workers received last week, it's obvious they didn't listen. The latest happenings:

Not So Innocent Chick has a new boy toy that's not a student here. This would be all well and fine if she didn't try to sneak him in at night. We do not allow non-students within the library and she's been sneaking him past security. We finally caught on and she's in a bit of trouble. It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

Sporty Chick is on the "watch list" because she's been holding court while on the job. She blatantly flirts, talks, and doesn't work within our viewing range; I think she's going to need another job soon.

Flirty Chick may need to get in line behind Sporty Chick since she hasn't been doing much of the flirting lately. She does however feel the need to brush her long beautiful locks while working. Hairdressing and books... not quite the mix we want to promote here.

And Male Chick he's just clueless but in a harmless way. Yet, if he hangs out with the rest of the beauties much longer, then there may be some trouble.

- Hen 3

2006-02-22T11:55:00.000-08:00

Obssessive Cleaning

In the past few weeks, items have been mysteriously moved. They reappear in a new order and are arranged elsewhere in the office. Our piles have been re-piled so to speak, and we can't find anything. Apparently our cleaning service has hired a new cleaning lady who is a bit obsessive compulsive about the way things are placed.

Despite the fact that we can't find anything, we aren't going to say a word to complain. She's the best cleaner (actually cleans) we've ever had and if I have to rummage through papers to find something, I'm fine with that. There's definitely something to be said for meticulous cleaning.

I just wonder why OCD Cleaner continues to move our water bottles. Apparently she thinks these items do not belong on one's desk; rather, they should be placed in a storage area. We never know what's going to be moved next, so we try not to anger the OCD Cleaner and keep our areas as neat as possible.

- Hen 2

2006-02-20T07:38:00.000-08:00

Catch Up Day

With the President's Day holiday upon us, we're dead as a door nail. What bliss! Even though classes are not in session until this evening, the library staff must be here bright 'n early! I actually enjoy these slow days, no students, easy commute, and basically just hanging out and catching up on various projects.

In light of our relaxing day, the past week was a full one. We had to read our student workers the Riot Act which incited some hateful feelings. Basically the Rooster laid down the law (again) and whipped those workers into shape until the next time that is.

More annoying than our student workers, our elevator is out or order, again. This rickety device would have Elisha Graves Otis rolling in his grave. It is really quite sad that the college is too damned cheap to purchase a new elevator. I believe DUMB ASS should be the new college name since they have to keep paying for replacement parts that will soon add up to the cost of a new elevator.

Other than that, all of the library staff is allergic to the building. For the past week we've been breaking out in hives and having allergic reactions to something in our environment. We can't prove the building is doing it, yet. But, I've started looking at those vents with suspicion lately; maybe we're being slowly poisoned? Now that would make a good mystery novel.

- Hen 4

2006-02-14T12:07:00.000-08:00

Clueless Student Workers

Imagine giving instructions to these three young ladies. Now repeat yourself ten times. Got it? Okay, repeat those instructions again. Right then, try again and provide explicit examples and amusing anecdotes. Sound familiar?

This is just part of a typical day but add-in several horny male students, another clueless male worker, and all the regular library responsibilities and you're in my hell. Of course, I would never assume this doesn't happen elsewhere; there are tons of oblivious people on this planet.

Flirty Chick is a horny male's dream girl and they don't let her forget it. Several times I've had to break up the groupies who love to chat with her. Often the male groupies are chatting on their cell phones or sometimes their phone goes off with some obnoxious tune. As an employee of the library, Flirty Chick is responsible for upholding the rules of the library, yet she doesn't. One of these days, she's going to find herself out of a job.

Sporty Chick is a bit more attentive to maintaining the rules, except when it comes to her own conversations. Often, this chick will come in during her off hours and simply hold loud conversations with friends. Yet it doesn't end there... Sporty Chick is so clueless that she once let a student walk out with a book without even checking it out. So, she forgot how to use the check-out feature, but she could have at least written down the patron's name, barcode, book title, ANYTHING! OYE!

Let's not forget Not So Innocent Chick, who has broken the hearts of at least three male students. She's sweet, helpful, an avid reader, and the most intelligent of our workers. Obviously, she has her dark side that is only visible to the non-librarian eye. It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

Lastly, we have our most recent addition, the Male Chick. He's really out to keep an eye on the other chicks but he lacks common sense. Ahhh! He is the perfect fit to our worker collection.

- Hen 1

2006-02-13T12:40:00.000-08:00

Devoted Librarians Risk Their Lives

Almost all schools, public and private alike, decided to remain closed to ensure the safety of their students and faculty. Yet, our fine institution decided to open and force its faculty and staff to brave the extreme temperatures and the snow that hadn't been yet removed. Apparently, administrators at our fine institution have forgotten what it's like to drive an economy car with zero traction in the snow.

Nevertheless, I arrived with teeth gritted to a near empty facility with only two students present. Of course no one was here; no one in their right mind would risk their lives for a morning class! That's dedication I tell ya! Maybe I'm the insane one for working for a bunch of tight-fisted academics, that can't bear the thought of paying someone for a snow day. Bunch of bastards I tell you.

I hope everyone enjoyed their day off!

-Hen 4

2006-02-09T13:31:00.000-08:00

Just Borrowing this Book

The Pisher is one of the most annoying creatures to work with. He is a pseudo important person that puts on academic airs and prides himself on his anal retentive English skills. You do not want to be caught with him in a meeting, academic committee, or God forbid a social setting.

Today this arrogant little bastard decided to take a browse for a specific book he wanted to borrow. I suspiciously watched as he found the desired item. I watched as walked with it and at the last moment he glanced back to say he was just going to take it quickly to photocopy. I assumed it would be brought right back after a quick visit to the photocopier. I was wrong.

The book is still in his possession. Now, if I knew Pisher was going to use this item for the long term, I would have checked it out to him. I have no doubt this book may end up in the famous Pisher Collection, under a pair of dirty drawers in his office. That just goes to show you, you must check out every goddamned book out!

- Hen 1

2006-02-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

Vendors That Just Wont Quit

As fond as I am of vendor goodies, freebies and free trials, I simply can't abide the chatty reps that accompany the free stuff. When they say "free trial", they should really say, "free trial while enduring the pain of a million tiny needles."

I can be friendly and civil to vendors; I mean that could be me one day. What I don't understand is the push to be my "friend." If the product sucks, it sucks. There's no need to talk about your children, spouse, hobbies or anything that does not relate to the product.

After a month of evaluating a database, we decided that it wasn't right for our college and that the user friendly level was way below par. During this trial, the rep must have called 5 times -- way too much! Finally, we spoke and I let her know we weren't getting the database. In her defense, she is in sales, and tried to bribe me with a few free months while paying the yearly fee.

I wasn't looking for that, I'm more interested in fine dining, free airfare and maybe a shopping spree in New York City. Oh, that's not something you offer? Too bad, I was just starting to like the trial.

- Hen 4

2006-02-03T12:30:00.000-08:00

Adminstrative Note

Our apologies if you wanted to comment to our blog in the past. We only just changed the settings so anyone may post comments.

2006-02-03T12:24:00.000-08:00

Stalker Strikes Again

Its official. The Library Stalker is psychotic. For those of you that are not familiar with this Library regular, check out our Cast of Characters.

Our little chick has been friendly with Stalker for quite some time. She has since come to her senses and has been busily dating numerous guys (victims?). We once thought our little chickie was sweet and thought her naiveté charming. That was before she broke the hearts of two young men, one happening to be a psycho.

When you break a psycho's heart, there are certain ramifications. Actual offenses committed by Library Stalker:

1) Leering and staring at chicks through Library window (crazy eyes!)
2) Anonymous gifts deposited upon circulation desk with note to Chick
3) Loitering and being annoying to student workers and staff
4) Grunt responses when questioned by any of librarians
5) Declaration of harm to one's self when told by Chick to "Leave me alone!"
6) Breaking objects outside the college (just cuz)

Our response was to contact the college social worker to deal with this nut job. There is also cause for concern that our little chick will be harmed in some way from Library Stalker. But to make matters worse, it seems like everyone else wanted a piece of the action too.

If you recall, Brillo Head is the useless administrator that hides under her desk. Once she got her mitts on the situation, it’s been as bad as an after school special. I’ve never seen such a terrible over dramatization in my life. Apparently Brillo Head is the new champion of young women stalked. Chickie wasn’t stalked, well not really, and Library Stalker is about as smart as a peanut. Even Rooster said he would give kudos to Library Stalker if he could ever pull anything off.

Well, the future remains to be seen, if some people have their way, it looks like we will need to hire some burly men to protect us as we huddle under the reference desk.

- Hen 1

2006-02-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

Departmental Tryst

Someone is getting laid on the premises of the college and it's not me! The gossip and rumors have been flying around about a certain department head, Mr. Smooth, and receptionist, aka Bootylicious getting it on. The rumors at first seemed unlikely, since Mr. Smooth is married with children and seems like such a family guy.

While we were in doubt yesterday, the fling is now confirmed. Bootylicious apparently found it necessary to email the entire college staff of her admiration of her boss. It not only struck the hens as a bit odd, but everyone has been abuzz about it. To seal the deal, Bootylicious seems to know the most intimate details about Mr. Smooth. One can wonder what Mrs. Smooth would have to say if she knew her husband was playing while at work. Tsk tsk.

- Hen 4

2006-01-31T11:27:00.000-08:00

Buuueller.....Buuueller

This was me today. I was that boring instructor that had your head nodding and eyes closing - don't forget about that drool that comes out of your mouth when you fall asleep. If you played hooky like most of the students today, then you would have missed my exciting presentation about EBSCO, ProQuest and all our other wonderful online resources. What a pity.

To make things a little more interesting, I added a special PowerPoint presentation on correct MLA format and avoiding plagiarism. "Last name first...don't forget to put the date you accessed it..." Yes, every college students dream day! Literally.

Curiously enough, the regular instructors usually "get lost" during my visits to their class. In the past, I've had some discipline issues with students and I confess I tend to antagonize them a bit with my sarcasm. Nothing like belittling an angry 18 year old and making them look like fools in front of their friends. (Evil Laugh)

Today's crowd was dull and quiet, with the exception of one student who had delusions of grandeur. He was on his cell phone. "I have my own business; I need to make a phone call." After I told him to shut the phone off several times, he finally listened. Besides if he really has a successful business, what the hell is he doing in class now? Isn't that what evening classes are for, working people?

- evil hen

2006-01-26T13:17:00.000-08:00

Looking at You

How would you like to sit in a presentation with this guy speaking and keep a straight face? Which eye do you look at?

Today ole One Eye, was giving a presentation to a bunch of us. One Eye, despite her name, does have two working eyes -- they just work independently from one another. To remedy any potential confusion, I find that looking at the point between both eyes helps the situation. After One Eye's rambling and long winded PowerPoint presentation, a bunch of us thought we were off the hook, until the next wacko decided to pick up the slack.

Flaky, a lovely and sweet caring woman, decided to relieve our stress with a group relaxation session. The lights dimmed, the soft music went on... it was the perfect atmosphere for a nice nap. It didn't end there, soon Flaky starts talking in a soothing voice (quite high pitched and childlike), telling all of us go to visit our "Special Place." After a half hour session of "serenity", I was having a fabulous time in my "Special Place." For those who do wonder, I'm not revealing my special place; but you're welcome to comment where your special place is! Let's hear from the peanut gallery!

- Hen 3

2006-01-24T08:04:00.000-08:00

So Lonely...

Sometimes it just feels like there is no one around. It is that time of year where staff sating taking a few days here and a few days there often leaving a skeleton crew to man the bridge. It is probably a good thing that this happens from time to time because it allows us to really rely on the students and faculty to entertain us and they never fail.

Yesterday, I was in my office (with a door mind you) and we had heard that one of the departments went ahead and purchased a digital video camera and surprise we, being the A/V controllers of the Universe, would be responsible for it. Now, I see VideoGeek walking in the general vicinity of my office and sure enough he stops outside my door. Did I forget to mention I WAS ON THE PHONE? Well, thinking he would wait until I was finished, I acknowledged that I had seen him and would be with him in a moment. I mean I wasn't pondering String Theory on the telephone or anything. One would think that VideoGeek would have gotten the message but NO. He proceeds to walk into my office, stand in front of my desk, and begin to unload equipment onto my desk...piece by piece.

I really wasn't sure what to do...I mean he is actually a nice guy but just a bit too dense for his own (or any of ours) good. Yes, I did finish my conversation and happily accept the gifts of VideoGeek and had to smile because if I didn't the Radio Star would have killed Video.

2006-01-20T11:41:00.000-08:00

Stalker Gets Stalked

Our friend, Library Stalker, got a taste of his own medicine today. We got a call from administration looking for our little buddy. Apparently Mommy was worried where her little baby was and wanted to know if he's at school still. Since the library is his favorite stalking ground they knew just the people to call.

Stalker was quite surprised when I told him the phone was for him. A bit embarrassing to find your mother on the line and having your friends watch you talk to her. "No Mommy, I don't want to go home! You can't make me"! (Dramatization) Nevertheless, they came to an understanding that there was to be no TV tonight if he didn't make it home in time for dinner.

Hen 2

2006-01-19T10:40:00.000-08:00

Welcome Sadists

If you are a sadist or even a masochist, I know where you were this morning. You were in my meeting with various other library individuals discussing absolutely NOTHING of value. I played the part of the masochist and drank vast quantities of water and then held it in for 2 hours.

Several of us were held captive by oblivious colleagues and those merciless sadists. In particular one colleague felt is necessary to tell incoherent stories, forcing us to ask what she said over and over again. Once we found out what she was saying, we realized that it had no relevance to the meeting at all.

Two self-important chums felt compelled to talk in circles about new red tape policies that should be administered, or heck, maybe we should just talk about it and not really put it into action. We, the hapless invitees, were powerless to do anything but stare with eyes glazed over in agony. I thought to myself, "Please, please, don't let me fall asleep and have someone put my finger in warm water."

Hen 1

2006-01-18T12:05:00.000-08:00

Blow Me...

Well it is a windy day here in the Northeast and after nearly losing power a few times today things are finally beginning to settle down. However, trying to run out for lunch proved to be an obstacle course with numerous trees and power lines down and spotty areas without power. Needless to say our student body, who look for any excuse not to come in, was extremely light today and the library was uncommonly peaceful. However, the die hard library groupies made it in and are still here -- lucky us! So our light number of visitors afforded us to leave the confines of the library and mingle (translated gossip) with other departments throughout the college.

People always seem to be amazed when they see any of us actually outside of the library environment; almost as if we should never venture outside of our "zone". Rooster was walking around trying to catch-up on the latest goings on when he rounded a corner and walked dead-on into one of our academic department heads who we'll just call the Sparrow, due to here slight stature and fluttering movements. Now, Rooster was clearly mortified and apologetic, but Sparrow apparently got a bit of a thrill which made it even more uncomfortable.

2006-01-17T11:04:00.000-08:00

Anyone Home?

Computers have invaded the minds of our students and are taking over the world! I witnessed a disturbing event this morning. Three students, with no relation to one another, were staring at their computer screens expectantly for ten minutes. I happened to glance in their direction and noticed they couldn't log-in to their computers.

You would think that they would say something like, "Hey, is there something wrong with this computer?" Or maybe they would ask one another, "Can you log in?" Still, not a word was uttered as they sat in companionable silence watching their screens. I finally went over to them and asked if they were having problems logging in and they said, "Um, Yeah."

So I told these automatons, "Well you need to tell someone if you can't log-in to the computer, otherwise we don't know there's a problem." Silence was my response. Not long after, things were up and running and the students were then able to report to their masters.

- Hen 4

2006-01-13T12:04:00.000-08:00

Political Chat

On the surface, any work environment seems harmless enough. You stay somewhere long enough and you learn all the dirty secrets. Yet, it didn't take long for me to discover that a die-hard liberal (me) was out of place in a sea of ultra conservatives. To my dismay, I was under the misconception that educational institutions were generally open minded and liberal in their views. Silly hen.

At lunch yesterday, I happened to meet up with one of the faculty members in the break room. Now I was prepared for a silent meal since this faculty member is reserved and a bit stiff at times. So I smiled and she struck up a conversation about an article she read. The article isn't relevant but she continued to talk (very quietly) about the latest news the media was reporting. She was referring to Judge Alito and the questioning for his nomination. Basically she and I are disturbed about Judge Alito's affiliation with an organization from Princeton that sought to limit women and minorities admittance to the college. Still I think I am even more disturbed at the thought of Roe v. Wade being overturned. Heck if that happens, I may have to become politically active (shiver).

So here we are, two educators chatting politics and worried we might be overheard by someone in administration. If that isn't a sad state of affairs, then I don't know what! Despite the secret discussion, I was pleasantly surprised to find another hidden liberal. Who knows maybe there are more in our midst?

2006-01-12T12:28:00.000-08:00

Insidious One

I’ve been keeping my eye out lately for a particular student who happens to fancy one of our chicks. Mind you, I don’t have mother hen feelings for chick 1, as she uses her feminine wiles more than I can stomach. Let me provide you with some background on this little chickie. To be perfectly honest, she has a voice like Didi Conn. If this doesn’t grate your nerves, then maybe the fact that she plays the “helpless card” way too often will make you nauseous. The third count against chick 1 is that she is incredibly popular and hosts her own “chats” while on the job.

Of Chick 1’s fan club, Insidious regularly visits to worship her. They suit one another, both are sneaky and have an attitude problem. Insidious has no shame, and will blatantly stare back at me when I shoot my menacing Librarian look.

I’ve had confrontations with Insidious, mostly telling him to shut his mouth, cell phone, iPod or whatever loud electronic device he has with him. The good news is that graduation day is not far away, if he graduates.

- Hen 2

2006-01-11T13:23:00.000-08:00

Say What?

As a wise person once said, "use your filter." It is obvious that the students here do not have filters, nor would they use them if they had them. On several occasions I have been the recipient of unwanted flirting/admiration/harassment. The following actually happened:

Situation 1: Reference desk

Gigolo meets me for the first time at the reference desk. Trying to be the nice librarian (mistake), I smile and say hello and ask if I can help him. He asks me some lame question which I answer and then he asks this question: "Why is a young woman like yourself not married?" Caught off guard, I can only numbly stare. Once I come back to my wits I say: "Excuse Me? That's none of your business." Thinking back I wish I could have said many additional and colorful things like: "What, and be married to a beast like yourself?"

Situation 2: Between semesters and the day before a major holiday

I'm wearing jeans on this day because there's practically no one around and this is acceptable attire. Of course Stalker is in the library today because he has no life and nothing better to do. When I walk out into the library he takes one look at me and says, "Whoa, denim." I say, "Yes, I'm wearing jeans today." Stalker says, "NICE." That totally yucks me out and I feel dirty repeating it. Nevertheless it happened and I would have liked to sue his ass for sexual harassment but I wouldn't win much since Stalker is a poor student.

For these reasons, and countless others, I feel entitled to:
1) Dress down and be comfortable
2) Wear minimal make-up
3) Not do my hair in the morning
4) Eat spicy and curried foods that reek through my pores

- Hen 3

2006-01-10T11:40:00.000-08:00

I'm So Lonely

Where is everyone? This has to be one of the slowest days I've seen during a semester. Apparently my subliminal messages have worked and I have been abandoned by all. I didn't mean it when I thought "get the Hell away from me"!

Interestingly enough, there's one person who did not get my message. The Gigolo visited today and made his presence known by opening a can of soda. "I won't drink it, I swear. She's evil for telling you (meaning one of the chicks)." Of course I would have heard the noise in a vacuum since the library was so quiet at the time and I said as much. Nevertheless his visit was short-lived and he left a few minutes later.

In the afternoon...I had one of the chicks ask me if DVD's could play on the computers. Normally they could if we could install the right program, but thankfully we don't have those rights. Gigolo had to watch a movie for a class. What was really amusing is that the movie was the original Pink Panther. I didn't ask questions, because I didn't want to know.

- Hen 2

2006-01-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

Cell Phone Blues

What I really wanted for Christmas this year, was not in my stocking. In case you can't see where this post is headed, I'll spell it out for you. S-i-l-e-n-c-e. Ahh, the beauty of that word. For the life of me, can someone tell me why cell phone jammers are illegal in the

United States

?!! Just think of the possibilities a cell-free library can do.

I do not follow the doctrine that libraries should be so quiet that you can hear a pin drop. I believe in being able to talk, quietly, to another person. Hell, I even don't mind cell phones being on if they ring silently and the patron talks outside. Despite my leniency, I find that nearly all the students have some obnoxious and LOUD rap song as their ring tone. It usually goes something like this: "Yo Yo Bitch, Get outta my @#&% face!"

Sometimes I swear the students are experienced at administering "Chinese water torture," AKA the cell phone chirp. This phenomenon occurs when the cell user has a voicemail and hasn't listened to it yet. The phone chirps about every 45 seconds, enough to drive the Dalai Lama crazy. The kicker is you can't tell where it's coming from. You swear you heard it over here, but it sounds like it's coming from there!

Oh why me? Why anybody?!

- Hen 1

2006-01-06T18:25:00.000-08:00

Looking after the Chicks

I spent my morning in a professional development session today. I missed the early drama of the day but I happened to catch the tail end. Our little Chick 2 was working and as usual Library Stalker was giving her a hard time. He's Always in the library. In fact, I've come to expect Library Stalker even during school breaks, holidays, and weekends. Apparently he has nothing better to do. Sad, but I suppose it's better than dealing drugs on the corner or selling it in the library.

So little chickie is going about her business and doing a good job as always - In jumps The Stalker. He's "flirting" with her in his stalker way and of course gets a smack. Score one for the Chick 2! Needless to say, he thinks this attention, albeit painful, is a good thing. Me, overcome with concern for my little chick, steps in. Stop harrassing my student worker I say! (Note: if I were a real Hen, I would probably have pecked the little bastard until he bled.) Well Library Stalker, no doubt seeing my bloodlust, took the hint and high-tailed out of there!

I hate to report this, but I must tell the whole truth... On my way out, I noticed the Library Stalker and Chick 2 walking out together. This may be the last time this Hen stands up for her chick.

- Hen 2

2006-01-05T11:17:00.000-08:00

Patience

Library school prepared me for few things. The most useful course was on providing reference services and how to conduct the reference interview. I don't use these services for students since they never ask any questions! Yet, I do find my reference skills useful for e-mail correspondence to faculty and staff.

Our library is responsible for scheduling media equipment and for some reason I'm surprised how much pertinent information is left out in these requests. Gramps is an older faculty member who tends to pass me in the hall and make AV Requests. Often I e-mail dear ole gramps to remind him he wanted to request equipment. Gramps responds with a room and time but leaves out the type of equipment. There I go again, asking more questions. Reference interviewing at its finest. My professors would be proud!

Impatience

As a somewhat younger individual, I find that I probably have less patience for the crap that most of the students try to pull. A few months ago I came across some random girl eating a bag of chips in the library while sitting at a computer. I tell her there's no food in the library and she had to either put it away or leave. She acknowledged me and began to quickly stuff the food in her face to get rid of the food. What are you an animal?

Another obnoxious student was talking on their cell phone while at the computer and using instant messenger to chat with friends. Talking on the cell phone and chatting on instant messenger, feels just like home doesn't it? So I tell her to shut that cell phone or go outside. I walk away briefly and she continues to chat and at that point I'm standing over her and telling her to shut it off. She's still talking now, telling her friend on the phone that she had to hang up. SO GET OFF THE PHONE BITCH! I mean really, this is just f**ked up!

- Hen 3

2006-01-04T09:45:00.000-08:00

You Ought To Be In Pictures

Well today the "little angels" as we like to call them returned to campus for Winter Session and once again the library came back to life. We have to admit that while we are experts at amusing ourselves when it gets quiet, we do miss the fodder that our community provides.

Today, much of the day was spent ensuring that students library accounts were active and that typically involves us having to hear the woes of the college student ID. When did students become so concerned about their appearance? More students than not today had issues with how they looked in their photos...hello...campus security are not magicians. Anyway, it was fun seeing just how bad a college ID can look and let me tell you, some were doozies!

We also had some of our regular faculty/staff visitors including Jesus Boy who granted us an audience today to activate his library card. To my amusement he was heard referring to his photo as "constipated". Tsk, tsk, now is that very Christian? We all agree, as do many of his colleagues, that there must be another side to him...you know, a whips and chains kind of thing. Not to mention that he is really Ned Flanders (à la the Simpson’s) clone. Yep, right down to when he takes his over shirt off...someone works out. It is always the quiet ones...right? Actually, Jesus Boy and Jungle Fever work in the same vicinity and almost came to blows once. Now that would have been a sight to behold.

2006-01-03T11:53:00.000-08:00

Cast of Characters

We're back! The regulars are back to their antics and this is the perfect time for introductions. Our institutional nut jobs consist of library staff, faculty, administration and additional staff.

Here's just a sampling of what's to come:
The Library staff consists of a Rooster (The Director), Four Hens (Librarians), and a few Chicks (Student workers). We are an odd bunch with our own amusing idiosyncrasies but not as interesting as the rest!

The Faculty has a nice assortment of losers and wannabes. There's Opie who is extremely excitable and incredibly annoying. Your best bet for maintaining sanity is to avoid contact at all times and keeping the eyes downcast. Once you get Opie started, be prepared for a scene of ranting, raving and a good deal of spittle in the face.

Administration is full of nepotism and everyone seems related to one another. Better watch your step or you may be out of a job sooner than you think. Some of our favorites include Brillo Head who is about as useless as a used Brillo pad. Why do some people keep a Brillo pad long after its been used up?

Staff here spans from uptight to naughty. There is Jesus Boy, who like his name suggests, is a fanatic Christian with some serious issues. On the other end of the spectrum there is Jungle Fever who has a penchant for women half his age and prefers to date interracially (please note we do not have any problem with interracial couples). The catch is that Jungle fever is unattractive, overweight, and seems most unlikely to date anyone.

Let's not forget the Students who range from the rare overachievers to the more common lazy and uninspired. We have Library Stalker who cannot seem to stay away from the Chicks. Then there's Gigolo who also cannot stay away from the Chicks for slightly different reasons.

FYI, Rooster said to finish this post already... I've got to run so be sure to check back for the latest gossip and happenings with the Cackling Hens.

-Hen 1

2005-12-30T11:24:00.000-08:00

Welcome to our Blog...

We hope that you find some humor in our day-to-day experiences. We are currently on semester break but our new semester will begin just after the new year. However, we would like to give you a sampling of some types of things you can expect.

While it may seem like a typical insitution on the outside, it is much more like a dysfunctional family on the inside. We are a relatively small institution but somehow or another the best gossip and happenings always find their way to the library.

We have staff (not always in the library) who like to drink...and lob out the occasional boob; more affairs than Peyton Place; nepotism like you've not seen the likes of; some students who are definitely not the sharpest tools in the shed; and as sad as it may sound we cannot make this stuff up.

So, have a Happy New Year and be sure to check back in the new year to find out what really happens when librarians stop being polite and start getting REAL.