Unbalanced

There's something in the air that just doesn't bode well. Maybe it's the putrid odor that is permeating the air? We tend to catch a whiff of raw sewage now and then. But, the library has been so quiet lately that you know it's just the calm before the storm. Even the resentful student workers have been uncharacteristically quiet and cooperative.

The workers aren't the only ones that are a bit off. The hens have been cackling less but we've been at each others throats. You know what happens when you put together a bunch of hens that are grumpy? It's not pretty. Not to mention Rooster has been out of character lately due to a new medication that sedates. Things tend to get a little rough here and that's what it came down to: drugs or finding a new job. Only kidding, it's not one of those drugs.

- Hen 1

Children of the Corn

Our student workers have been acting a bit strange lately; I fear they may be possessed by some evil force. We are barricaded in our offices and they are pounding on the door with bloodlust in their eyes! HELP! HELP!

Despite the tongue lashing our wonderful student workers received last week, it's obvious they didn't listen. The latest happenings:

Not So Innocent Chick has a new boy toy that's not a student here. This would be all well and fine if she didn't try to sneak him in at night. We do not allow non-students within the library and she's been sneaking him past security. We finally caught on and she's in a bit of trouble. It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

Sporty Chick is on the "watch list" because she's been holding court while on the job. She blatantly flirts, talks, and doesn't work within our viewing range; I think she's going to need another job soon.

Flirty Chick may need to get in line behind Sporty Chick since she hasn't been doing much of the flirting lately. She does however feel the need to brush her long beautiful locks while working. Hairdressing and books... not quite the mix we want to promote here.

And Male Chick he's just clueless but in a harmless way. Yet, if he hangs out with the rest of the beauties much longer, then there may be some trouble.

- Hen 3

Obssessive Cleaning

In the past few weeks, items have been mysteriously moved. They reappear in a new order and are arranged elsewhere in the office. Our piles have been re-piled so to speak, and we can't find anything. Apparently our cleaning service has hired a new cleaning lady who is a bit obsessive compulsive about the way things are placed.

Despite the fact that we can't find anything, we aren't going to say a word to complain. She's the best cleaner (actually cleans) we've ever had and if I have to rummage through papers to find something, I'm fine with that. There's definitely something to be said for meticulous cleaning.

I just wonder why OCD Cleaner continues to move our water bottles. Apparently she thinks these items do not belong on one's desk; rather, they should be placed in a storage area. We never know what's going to be moved next, so we try not to anger the OCD Cleaner and keep our areas as neat as possible.

- Hen 2

Catch Up Day

With the President's Day holiday upon us, we're dead as a door nail. What bliss! Even though classes are not in session until this evening, the library staff must be here bright 'n early! I actually enjoy these slow days, no students, easy commute, and basically just hanging out and catching up on various projects.

In light of our relaxing day, the past week was a full one. We had to read our student workers the Riot Act which incited some hateful feelings. Basically the Rooster laid down the law (again) and whipped those workers into shape until the next time that is.

More annoying than our student workers, our elevator is out or order, again. This rickety device would have Elisha Graves Otis rolling in his grave. It is really quite sad that the college is too damned cheap to purchase a new elevator. I believe DUMB ASS should be the new college name since they have to keep paying for replacement parts that will soon add up to the cost of a new elevator.

Other than that, all of the library staff is allergic to the building. For the past week we've been breaking out in hives and having allergic reactions to something in our environment. We can't prove the building is doing it, yet. But, I've started looking at those vents with suspicion lately; maybe we're being slowly poisoned? Now that would make a good mystery novel.

- Hen 4

Clueless Student Workers

Imagine giving instructions to these three young ladies. Now repeat yourself ten times. Got it? Okay, repeat those instructions again. Right then, try again and provide explicit examples and amusing anecdotes. Sound familiar?

This is just part of a typical day but add-in several horny male students, another clueless male worker, and all the regular library responsibilities and you're in my hell. Of course, I would never assume this doesn't happen elsewhere; there are tons of oblivious people on this planet.

Flirty Chick is a horny male's dream girl and they don't let her forget it. Several times I've had to break up the groupies who love to chat with her. Often the male groupies are chatting on their cell phones or sometimes their phone goes off with some obnoxious tune. As an employee of the library, Flirty Chick is responsible for upholding the rules of the library, yet she doesn't. One of these days, she's going to find herself out of a job.

Sporty Chick is a bit more attentive to maintaining the rules, except when it comes to her own conversations. Often, this chick will come in during her off hours and simply hold loud conversations with friends. Yet it doesn't end there... Sporty Chick is so clueless that she once let a student walk out with a book without even checking it out. So, she forgot how to use the check-out feature, but she could have at least written down the patron's name, barcode, book title, ANYTHING! OYE!

Let's not forget Not So Innocent Chick, who has broken the hearts of at least three male students. She's sweet, helpful, an avid reader, and the most intelligent of our workers. Obviously, she has her dark side that is only visible to the non-librarian eye. It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

Lastly, we have our most recent addition, the Male Chick. He's really out to keep an eye on the other chicks but he lacks common sense. Ahhh! He is the perfect fit to our worker collection.

- Hen 1

Devoted Librarians Risk Their Lives

Almost all schools, public and private alike, decided to remain closed to ensure the safety of their students and faculty. Yet, our fine institution decided to open and force its faculty and staff to brave the extreme temperatures and the snow that hadn't been yet removed. Apparently, administrators at our fine institution have forgotten what it's like to drive an economy car with zero traction in the snow.

Nevertheless, I arrived with teeth gritted to a near empty facility with only two students present. Of course no one was here; no one in their right mind would risk their lives for a morning class! That's dedication I tell ya! Maybe I'm the insane one for working for a bunch of tight-fisted academics, that can't bear the thought of paying someone for a snow day. Bunch of bastards I tell you.

I hope everyone enjoyed their day off!

-Hen 4

Just Borrowing this Book

The Pisher is one of the most annoying creatures to work with. He is a pseudo important person that puts on academic airs and prides himself on his anal retentive English skills. You do not want to be caught with him in a meeting, academic committee, or God forbid a social setting.

Today this arrogant little bastard decided to take a browse for a specific book he wanted to borrow. I suspiciously watched as he found the desired item. I watched as walked with it and at the last moment he glanced back to say he was just going to take it quickly to photocopy. I assumed it would be brought right back after a quick visit to the photocopier. I was wrong.

The book is still in his possession. Now, if I knew Pisher was going to use this item for the long term, I would have checked it out to him. I have no doubt this book may end up in the famous Pisher Collection, under a pair of dirty drawers in his office. That just goes to show you, you must check out every goddamned book out!

- Hen 1

Vendors That Just Wont Quit

As fond as I am of vendor goodies, freebies and free trials, I simply can't abide the chatty reps that accompany the free stuff. When they say "free trial", they should really say, "free trial while enduring the pain of a million tiny needles."

I can be friendly and civil to vendors; I mean that could be me one day. What I don't understand is the push to be my "friend." If the product sucks, it sucks. There's no need to talk about your children, spouse, hobbies or anything that does not relate to the product.

After a month of evaluating a database, we decided that it wasn't right for our college and that the user friendly level was way below par. During this trial, the rep must have called 5 times -- way too much! Finally, we spoke and I let her know we weren't getting the database. In her defense, she is in sales, and tried to bribe me with a few free months while paying the yearly fee.

I wasn't looking for that, I'm more interested in fine dining, free airfare and maybe a shopping spree in New York City. Oh, that's not something you offer? Too bad, I was just starting to like the trial.

- Hen 4

Adminstrative Note

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Stalker Strikes Again

Its official. The Library Stalker is psychotic. For those of you that are not familiar with this Library regular, check out our Cast of Characters.

Our little chick has been friendly with Stalker for quite some time. She has since come to her senses and has been busily dating numerous guys (victims?). We once thought our little chickie was sweet and thought her naiveté charming. That was before she broke the hearts of two young men, one happening to be a psycho.

When you break a psycho's heart, there are certain ramifications. Actual offenses committed by Library Stalker:

1) Leering and staring at chicks through Library window (crazy eyes!)
2) Anonymous gifts deposited upon circulation desk with note to Chick
3) Loitering and being annoying to student workers and staff
4) Grunt responses when questioned by any of librarians
5) Declaration of harm to one's self when told by Chick to "Leave me alone!"
6) Breaking objects outside the college (just cuz)

Our response was to contact the college social worker to deal with this nut job. There is also cause for concern that our little chick will be harmed in some way from Library Stalker. But to make matters worse, it seems like everyone else wanted a piece of the action too.

If you recall, Brillo Head is the useless administrator that hides under her desk. Once she got her mitts on the situation, it’s been as bad as an after school special. I’ve never seen such a terrible over dramatization in my life. Apparently Brillo Head is the new champion of young women stalked. Chickie wasn’t stalked, well not really, and Library Stalker is about as smart as a peanut. Even Rooster said he would give kudos to Library Stalker if he could ever pull anything off.

Well, the future remains to be seen, if some people have their way, it looks like we will need to hire some burly men to protect us as we huddle under the reference desk.

- Hen 1

Departmental Tryst

Someone is getting laid on the premises of the college and it's not me! The gossip and rumors have been flying around about a certain department head, Mr. Smooth, and receptionist, aka Bootylicious getting it on. The rumors at first seemed unlikely, since Mr. Smooth is married with children and seems like such a family guy.

While we were in doubt yesterday, the fling is now confirmed. Bootylicious apparently found it necessary to email the entire college staff of her admiration of her boss. It not only struck the hens as a bit odd, but everyone has been abuzz about it. To seal the deal, Bootylicious seems to know the most intimate details about Mr. Smooth. One can wonder what Mrs. Smooth would have to say if she knew her husband was playing while at work. Tsk tsk.

- Hen 4