Spring is in the air…

And what does that mean to you? Budding flowers, birds and bees, and SEX! That’s right, bring on the sex! Well you see…some students were so full of Spring Fever that that they just forgot themselves and got caught in a very uncompromising position in one of our classrooms.

Apparently the Absent Minded Professor (ABM) happened to stroll into one of the unused classrooms and caught them with their pants down, literally. Since ABM is off his rocker, he failed to get much attention from the proper authorities when he tried to tell them two students were “going at it.” I can only imagine the trauma that ABM experienced since it was our very own resident Library Stalker that was guilty of committing the crime.

If you recall, Stalker had given us a scare regarding one of our library chicks a while back. On a positive note, I am so thankful that he did not attempt to use the library as his rendezvous with desire!

As for the ABM, his story was only believed when someone in administration heard some awfully funny noises coming from the unused classroom. In fact, that classroom has seen more “use” than ever before.

- Hen 4

Ready for Action

It is our library’s policy that students must show their student ID before they can enter the library; I believe this is a common practice in most academic libraries. It is of course to demonstrate that we have some sort of security within the library and to keep out all those non-students (because they all want to come to our library). As for our security, I know that we don’t have any since I’m the one asking those students to show their ID’s.

Today as I was harassing, ahem, asking Gigolo to show his ID, he was annoyed because he had to dig into his fat wallet. Apparently his wallet isn’t full of cash, but of condoms. He inadvertently pulled out one of his Trojans during his search for his ID. [Side note: he isn’t named Gigolo for nothing.] I think I was more embarrassed than he was when I saw that pathetic and crushed condom. It looks like this prevention method would ultimately fail if it was ever used.

- Hen 2

Got a Pulse?

After a hard weekend of Easter celebrations, our students had to drag themselves back to school for another challenging round of classes and learning. Those that managed to find the library (through half-open eyes), appeared to be the living dead with zombie stares and drool coming out of their slackened jaws.

“Do you have any comfortable couches for us to lie on?” said one “funny” student. Ummm No, there will be no ZZzzzz’s caught in the library. Nevertheless, more zombies slowly shuffled in and the place was as quiet as a grave. This certainly was a pleasant return back.

- Hen 3

No, Means No

Before the weekend started, a student knocked politely on my office and asked if there were any library positions available in the library. I apologized and said there weren’t any positions available for student workers or for regular employees. Apparently, “No,” was not the answer he wanted to hear.

In response, the Persistent Student went on to say he was going to graduate soon and was an honors student and he noticed how busy it gets in the morning and how I answer all the questions quickly and efficiently. I thanked him and he continued to lay it on thick and said he wanted to work in the library because it was quiet and convenient and he wanted someplace to work while he continued his studies.

Yet again, I explained we didn’t have positions, but perhaps he could visit the career center to find what else is available or perhaps a paid or unpaid internship in the area. He said he went already and he didn’t really like what was out there, and that those offices were too busy. He said, again, he really wanted to work in this library. At this point, it was obvious to me that he didn’t believe me when I said there aren’t any positions available. Finally, after going around in circles for at least 10 minutes, I apologized and said we have nothing for you, try the career center or look at an online jobsite.

He didn’t get the hint because he came back later in the week while we had an IT person fixing one of the computers. Persistent Student asked “hey, do you work here?” I happened to overhear and say, NO, he doesn’t work in the library (SO GET LOST KID).

Geez, I never heard of anyone so desperate to work… I have a feeling our student workers have been sharing with their friends how little work they actually do. Who else will have I have to beat off?

- Hen 1

Inbred Institution

It’s amazing how so many people that are related to one another, actually work for the College. What’s even more of a coincidence are their positions. They are ALL so qualified and hard working that they ALL hold key positions in institution. Wow! Sounds like a family of really hard workers who are dedicated to their jobs!

Yet one must tread very carefully around this nepotistic community. There are spies everywhere and who knows where one may just POP UP! You thought political views were taboo at the workplace? Well as long as you have the RIGHT view point, you’re in with the gang.

In the library we have to be a little bit careful not to put out anything too LLLL….LL…liberal. There, I said it. Although I pride myself on sneaking in some rather daring content while doing large book orders. Okay, it’s not daring but certainly notable, even though some may not agree. Yes, I think of devious ways to infiltrate the hard conservative shell and slowly it will start working. Maybe not next week, maybe not next year….but it will start working, oh yes…

- Hen 4

Small Talk

On the topic of a past job...

Jesus Boy: So how did you like working there?

Hen 3: It was a job.

Jesus Boy: I guess the whole point is to find a job that you really want to do everyday and doesn't feel like work.

Hen 3: Good luck with that.

Mutiny in the Library

Our hints for the student workers to get lost have hit a raw nerve. Cutting back on their hours has really left them pissed off. We're not awful managers, really. Actually, if we were better managers we probably would have these kids trained so well that they would form a queue every time we said "Boo." But honestly now, how many academic libraries have student workers that are perfect little angels?

To date, I've been confronted by two angry chicks. These two "darlings," Sporty Chick and Flirty Chick are notorious for slacking off, changing their own hours at their whim, chatting/flirting with friends and constantly getting the most basic of instructions botched up. What can I say? It just so happens that their schedules were the least flexible and I had to cut back.

Needless to say, the two chicks tag-teamed and confronted me at the same time. As their supervisor, I can only make nice nice and say if they weren't happy to work elsewhere. But what surprised me the most is that they would backstab the newest chick that really is not at fault.

The rest of the chicks are content since their schedules are only mildly affected by the cutback in hours. I confess it just so happens that our best workers got to keep most their hours.

Still, the winds seem to be picking up and I feel a storm brewing. I'm waiting for a huge rush of chicks and to be torn apart piece by piece. Then again, our chicks are sneaky so I wouldn't put poison past them. I better keep an eye out for my water bottle.

- Hen 1

Shelter for the Chicks

If you want a job in the library, you're hired! We're looking for a ridiculous amount of student workers to sit around all day, surf the web, eat chips, and chat with friends. In fact, the only requirement we have is that you have a pulse. If this sounds like you, then step right up! You're hired!

This semester, we have a surplus of student workers due to a series of misfortunate events. I dare not rehash them, as I pity anyone who as to listen. But....if you recall, we had Library Stalker making a muck of things and we were worried for the safety of our little chicks. That's passed and now we're stuck with a whole flock.

Here are a few incentives to get some of them to fly off:

1) Cut-back in hours
2) Offering other glamorous positions throughout the college
3) Forced seating assignments
4) Actually having to work!!

Does anyone have any other suggestions? They would be most welcome.

- Hen 1