Buuueller.....Buuueller

This was me today. I was that boring instructor that had your head nodding and eyes closing - don't forget about that drool that comes out of your mouth when you fall asleep. If you played hooky like most of the students today, then you would have missed my exciting presentation about EBSCO, ProQuest and all our other wonderful online resources. What a pity.

To make things a little more interesting, I added a special PowerPoint presentation on correct MLA format and avoiding plagiarism. "Last name first...don't forget to put the date you accessed it..." Yes, every college students dream day! Literally.

Curiously enough, the regular instructors usually "get lost" during my visits to their class. In the past, I've had some discipline issues with students and I confess I tend to antagonize them a bit with my sarcasm. Nothing like belittling an angry 18 year old and making them look like fools in front of their friends. (Evil Laugh)

Today's crowd was dull and quiet, with the exception of one student who had delusions of grandeur. He was on his cell phone. "I have my own business; I need to make a phone call." After I told him to shut the phone off several times, he finally listened. Besides if he really has a successful business, what the hell is he doing in class now? Isn't that what evening classes are for, working people?

- evil hen

Looking at You

How would you like to sit in a presentation with this guy speaking and keep a straight face? Which eye do you look at?

Today ole One Eye, was giving a presentation to a bunch of us. One Eye, despite her name, does have two working eyes -- they just work independently from one another. To remedy any potential confusion, I find that looking at the point between both eyes helps the situation. After One Eye's rambling and long winded PowerPoint presentation, a bunch of us thought we were off the hook, until the next wacko decided to pick up the slack.

Flaky, a lovely and sweet caring woman, decided to relieve our stress with a group relaxation session. The lights dimmed, the soft music went on... it was the perfect atmosphere for a nice nap. It didn't end there, soon Flaky starts talking in a soothing voice (quite high pitched and childlike), telling all of us go to visit our "Special Place." After a half hour session of "serenity", I was having a fabulous time in my "Special Place." For those who do wonder, I'm not revealing my special place; but you're welcome to comment where your special place is! Let's hear from the peanut gallery!

- Hen 3

So Lonely...

Sometimes it just feels like there is no one around. It is that time of year where staff sating taking a few days here and a few days there often leaving a skeleton crew to man the bridge. It is probably a good thing that this happens from time to time because it allows us to really rely on the students and faculty to entertain us and they never fail.

Yesterday, I was in my office (with a door mind you) and we had heard that one of the departments went ahead and purchased a digital video camera and surprise we, being the A/V controllers of the Universe, would be responsible for it. Now, I see VideoGeek walking in the general vicinity of my office and sure enough he stops outside my door. Did I forget to mention I WAS ON THE PHONE? Well, thinking he would wait until I was finished, I acknowledged that I had seen him and would be with him in a moment. I mean I wasn't pondering String Theory on the telephone or anything. One would think that VideoGeek would have gotten the message but NO. He proceeds to walk into my office, stand in front of my desk, and begin to unload equipment onto my desk...piece by piece.

I really wasn't sure what to do...I mean he is actually a nice guy but just a bit too dense for his own (or any of ours) good. Yes, I did finish my conversation and happily accept the gifts of VideoGeek and had to smile because if I didn't the Radio Star would have killed Video.

Stalker Gets Stalked

Our friend, Library Stalker, got a taste of his own medicine today. We got a call from administration looking for our little buddy. Apparently Mommy was worried where her little baby was and wanted to know if he's at school still. Since the library is his favorite stalking ground they knew just the people to call.

Stalker was quite surprised when I told him the phone was for him. A bit embarrassing to find your mother on the line and having your friends watch you talk to her. "No Mommy, I don't want to go home! You can't make me"! (Dramatization) Nevertheless, they came to an understanding that there was to be no TV tonight if he didn't make it home in time for dinner.

Hen 2

Welcome Sadists

If you are a sadist or even a masochist, I know where you were this morning. You were in my meeting with various other library individuals discussing absolutely NOTHING of value. I played the part of the masochist and drank vast quantities of water and then held it in for 2 hours.

Several of us were held captive by oblivious colleagues and those merciless sadists. In particular one colleague felt is necessary to tell incoherent stories, forcing us to ask what she said over and over again. Once we found out what she was saying, we realized that it had no relevance to the meeting at all.

Two self-important chums felt compelled to talk in circles about new red tape policies that should be administered, or heck, maybe we should just talk about it and not really put it into action. We, the hapless invitees, were powerless to do anything but stare with eyes glazed over in agony. I thought to myself, "Please, please, don't let me fall asleep and have someone put my finger in warm water."

Hen 1

Blow Me...

Well it is a windy day here in the Northeast and after nearly losing power a few times today things are finally beginning to settle down. However, trying to run out for lunch proved to be an obstacle course with numerous trees and power lines down and spotty areas without power. Needless to say our student body, who look for any excuse not to come in, was extremely light today and the library was uncommonly peaceful. However, the die hard library groupies made it in and are still here -- lucky us! So our light number of visitors afforded us to leave the confines of the library and mingle (translated gossip) with other departments throughout the college.

People always seem to be amazed when they see any of us actually outside of the library environment; almost as if we should never venture outside of our "zone". Rooster was walking around trying to catch-up on the latest goings on when he rounded a corner and walked dead-on into one of our academic department heads who we'll just call the Sparrow, due to here slight stature and fluttering movements. Now, Rooster was clearly mortified and apologetic, but Sparrow apparently got a bit of a thrill which made it even more uncomfortable.

Anyone Home?

Computers have invaded the minds of our students and are taking over the world! I witnessed a disturbing event this morning. Three students, with no relation to one another, were staring at their computer screens expectantly for ten minutes. I happened to glance in their direction and noticed they couldn't log-in to their computers.

You would think that they would say something like, "Hey, is there something wrong with this computer?" Or maybe they would ask one another, "Can you log in?" Still, not a word was uttered as they sat in companionable silence watching their screens. I finally went over to them and asked if they were having problems logging in and they said, "Um, Yeah."

So I told these automatons, "Well you need to tell someone if you can't log-in to the computer, otherwise we don't know there's a problem." Silence was my response. Not long after, things were up and running and the students were then able to report to their masters.

- Hen 4

Political Chat

On the surface, any work environment seems harmless enough. You stay somewhere long enough and you learn all the dirty secrets. Yet, it didn't take long for me to discover that a die-hard liberal (me) was out of place in a sea of ultra conservatives. To my dismay, I was under the misconception that educational institutions were generally open minded and liberal in their views. Silly hen.

At lunch yesterday, I happened to meet up with one of the faculty members in the break room. Now I was prepared for a silent meal since this faculty member is reserved and a bit stiff at times. So I smiled and she struck up a conversation about an article she read. The article isn't relevant but she continued to talk (very quietly) about the latest news the media was reporting. She was referring to Judge Alito and the questioning for his nomination. Basically she and I are disturbed about Judge Alito's affiliation with an organization from Princeton that sought to limit women and minorities admittance to the college. Still I think I am even more disturbed at the thought of Roe v. Wade being overturned. Heck if that happens, I may have to become politically active (shiver).

So here we are, two educators chatting politics and worried we might be overheard by someone in administration. If that isn't a sad state of affairs, then I don't know what! Despite the secret discussion, I was pleasantly surprised to find another hidden liberal. Who knows maybe there are more in our midst?

Insidious One

I’ve been keeping my eye out lately for a particular student who happens to fancy one of our chicks. Mind you, I don’t have mother hen feelings for chick 1, as she uses her feminine wiles more than I can stomach. Let me provide you with some background on this little chickie. To be perfectly honest, she has a voice like Didi Conn. If this doesn’t grate your nerves, then maybe the fact that she plays the “helpless card” way too often will make you nauseous. The third count against chick 1 is that she is incredibly popular and hosts her own “chats” while on the job.

Of Chick 1’s fan club, Insidious regularly visits to worship her. They suit one another, both are sneaky and have an attitude problem. Insidious has no shame, and will blatantly stare back at me when I shoot my menacing Librarian look.

I’ve had confrontations with Insidious, mostly telling him to shut his mouth, cell phone, iPod or whatever loud electronic device he has with him. The good news is that graduation day is not far away, if he graduates.

- Hen 2

Say What?

As a wise person once said, "use your filter." It is obvious that the students here do not have filters, nor would they use them if they had them. On several occasions I have been the recipient of unwanted flirting/admiration/harassment. The following actually happened:

Situation 1: Reference desk

Gigolo meets me for the first time at the reference desk. Trying to be the nice librarian (mistake), I smile and say hello and ask if I can help him. He asks me some lame question which I answer and then he asks this question: "Why is a young woman like yourself not married?" Caught off guard, I can only numbly stare. Once I come back to my wits I say: "Excuse Me? That's none of your business." Thinking back I wish I could have said many additional and colorful things like: "What, and be married to a beast like yourself?"

Situation 2: Between semesters and the day before a major holiday

I'm wearing jeans on this day because there's practically no one around and this is acceptable attire. Of course Stalker is in the library today because he has no life and nothing better to do. When I walk out into the library he takes one look at me and says, "Whoa, denim." I say, "Yes, I'm wearing jeans today." Stalker says, "NICE." That totally yucks me out and I feel dirty repeating it. Nevertheless it happened and I would have liked to sue his ass for sexual harassment but I wouldn't win much since Stalker is a poor student.

For these reasons, and countless others, I feel entitled to:
1) Dress down and be comfortable
2) Wear minimal make-up
3) Not do my hair in the morning
4) Eat spicy and curried foods that reek through my pores

- Hen 3

I'm So Lonely

Where is everyone? This has to be one of the slowest days I've seen during a semester. Apparently my subliminal messages have worked and I have been abandoned by all. I didn't mean it when I thought "get the Hell away from me"!

Interestingly enough, there's one person who did not get my message. The Gigolo visited today and made his presence known by opening a can of soda. "I won't drink it, I swear. She's evil for telling you (meaning one of the chicks)." Of course I would have heard the noise in a vacuum since the library was so quiet at the time and I said as much. Nevertheless his visit was short-lived and he left a few minutes later.

In the afternoon...I had one of the chicks ask me if DVD's could play on the computers. Normally they could if we could install the right program, but thankfully we don't have those rights. Gigolo had to watch a movie for a class. What was really amusing is that the movie was the original Pink Panther. I didn't ask questions, because I didn't want to know.

- Hen 2

Cell Phone Blues

What I really wanted for Christmas this year, was not in my stocking. In case you can't see where this post is headed, I'll spell it out for you. S-i-l-e-n-c-e. Ahh, the beauty of that word. For the life of me, can someone tell me why cell phone jammers are illegal in the United States?!! Just think of the possibilities a cell-free library can do.

I do not follow the doctrine that libraries should be so quiet that you can hear a pin drop. I believe in being able to talk, quietly, to another person. Hell, I even don't mind cell phones being on if they ring silently and the patron talks outside. Despite my leniency, I find that nearly all the students have some obnoxious and LOUD rap song as their ring tone. It usually goes something like this: "Yo Yo Bitch, Get outta my @#&% face!"

Sometimes I swear the students are experienced at administering "Chinese water torture," AKA the cell phone chirp. This phenomenon occurs when the cell user has a voicemail and hasn't listened to it yet. The phone chirps about every 45 seconds, enough to drive the Dalai Lama crazy. The kicker is you can't tell where it's coming from. You swear you heard it over here, but it sounds like it's coming from there!

Oh why me? Why anybody?!

- Hen 1

Looking after the Chicks

I spent my morning in a professional development session today. I missed the early drama of the day but I happened to catch the tail end. Our little Chick 2 was working and as usual Library Stalker was giving her a hard time. He's Always in the library. In fact, I've come to expect Library Stalker even during school breaks, holidays, and weekends. Apparently he has nothing better to do. Sad, but I suppose it's better than dealing drugs on the corner or selling it in the library.

So little chickie is going about her business and doing a good job as always - In jumps The Stalker. He's "flirting" with her in his stalker way and of course gets a smack. Score one for the Chick 2! Needless to say, he thinks this attention, albeit painful, is a good thing. Me, overcome with concern for my little chick, steps in. Stop harrassing my student worker I say! (Note: if I were a real Hen, I would probably have pecked the little bastard until he bled.) Well Library Stalker, no doubt seeing my bloodlust, took the hint and high-tailed out of there!

I hate to report this, but I must tell the whole truth... On my way out, I noticed the Library Stalker and Chick 2 walking out together. This may be the last time this Hen stands up for her chick.

- Hen 2

Patience

Library school prepared me for few things. The most useful course was on providing reference services and how to conduct the reference interview. I don't use these services for students since they never ask any questions! Yet, I do find my reference skills useful for e-mail correspondence to faculty and staff.

Our library is responsible for scheduling media equipment and for some reason I'm surprised how much pertinent information is left out in these requests. Gramps is an older faculty member who tends to pass me in the hall and make AV Requests. Often I e-mail dear ole gramps to remind him he wanted to request equipment. Gramps responds with a room and time but leaves out the type of equipment. There I go again, asking more questions. Reference interviewing at its finest. My professors would be proud!

Impatience

As a somewhat younger individual, I find that I probably have less patience for the crap that most of the students try to pull. A few months ago I came across some random girl eating a bag of chips in the library while sitting at a computer. I tell her there's no food in the library and she had to either put it away or leave. She acknowledged me and began to quickly stuff the food in her face to get rid of the food. What are you an animal?

Another obnoxious student was talking on their cell phone while at the computer and using instant messenger to chat with friends. Talking on the cell phone and chatting on instant messenger, feels just like home doesn't it? So I tell her to shut that cell phone or go outside. I walk away briefly and she continues to chat and at that point I'm standing over her and telling her to shut it off. She's still talking now, telling her friend on the phone that she had to hang up. SO GET OFF THE PHONE BITCH! I mean really, this is just f**ked up!

- Hen 3

You Ought To Be In Pictures

Well today the "little angels" as we like to call them returned to campus for Winter Session and once again the library came back to life. We have to admit that while we are experts at amusing ourselves when it gets quiet, we do miss the fodder that our community provides.

Today, much of the day was spent ensuring that students library accounts were active and that typically involves us having to hear the woes of the college student ID. When did students become so concerned about their appearance? More students than not today had issues with how they looked in their photos...hello...campus security are not magicians. Anyway, it was fun seeing just how bad a college ID can look and let me tell you, some were doozies!

We also had some of our regular faculty/staff visitors including Jesus Boy who granted us an audience today to activate his library card. To my amusement he was heard referring to his photo as "constipated". Tsk, tsk, now is that very Christian? We all agree, as do many of his colleagues, that there must be another side to him...you know, a whips and chains kind of thing. Not to mention that he is really Ned Flanders (à la the Simpson’s) clone. Yep, right down to when he takes his over shirt off...someone works out. It is always the quiet ones...right? Actually, Jesus Boy and Jungle Fever work in the same vicinity and almost came to blows once. Now that would have been a sight to behold.

Cast of Characters

We're back! The regulars are back to their antics and this is the perfect time for introductions. Our institutional nut jobs consist of library staff, faculty, administration and additional staff.

Here's just a sampling of what's to come:
The Library staff consists of a Rooster (The Director), Four Hens (Librarians), and a few Chicks (Student workers). We are an odd bunch with our own amusing idiosyncrasies but not as interesting as the rest!

The Faculty has a nice assortment of losers and wannabes. There's Opie who is extremely excitable and incredibly annoying. Your best bet for maintaining sanity is to avoid contact at all times and keeping the eyes downcast. Once you get Opie started, be prepared for a scene of ranting, raving and a good deal of spittle in the face.

Administration is full of nepotism and everyone seems related to one another. Better watch your step or you may be out of a job sooner than you think. Some of our favorites include Brillo Head who is about as useless as a used Brillo pad. Why do some people keep a Brillo pad long after its been used up?

Staff here spans from uptight to naughty. There is Jesus Boy, who like his name suggests, is a fanatic Christian with some serious issues. On the other end of the spectrum there is Jungle Fever who has a penchant for women half his age and prefers to date interracially (please note we do not have any problem with interracial couples). The catch is that Jungle fever is unattractive, overweight, and seems most unlikely to date anyone.

Let's not forget the Students who range from the rare overachievers to the more common lazy and uninspired. We have Library Stalker who cannot seem to stay away from the Chicks. Then there's Gigolo who also cannot stay away from the Chicks for slightly different reasons.

FYI, Rooster said to finish this post already... I've got to run so be sure to check back for the latest gossip and happenings with the Cackling Hens.

-Hen 1